The Brain, the Heart & the Vagina

“Here's my philosophy on dating. It's important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, somebody that you know turns you on... And it's really, really important that these three people don't know each other.”~ Brooke Davis

         Sometimes, I don’t think one man will be able to live up to my expectations. And like one blog commenter stated, “expectations lead to disappointment.” So once upon a time, long, long ago, I decided to live nonchalantly and date carefree. In that moment, I came across three men, who combined made the perfect man.

The Brain

          A mind is a terrible thing to waste. But so many men do exactly that by wasting their God given brain by selling drugs, gang-banging, dropping out of school, or entering prison.  In this dating era, I feel it is a blessing to encounter someone who is able to use his intelligence to his advantage, and can engage in thought-provoking conversation. Lucky me, I met “J.R.R. Tolkien”.

J.R.R. and I had great dates, and future plans to go to museums, Broadway plays, and travel the world together.  But if someone looked in on our relationship, they would think all we did was argue. However, to us, we had great debates.  What I appreciated about J.R.R. was that he mentally challenged me to think outside the box. With J.R.R., I could talk politics, philosophy, world history, and law.  Although he was intellectual, he was surprisingly very relatable, and involved in his community.  I admired J.R.R. because he truly wanted to use his intelligence for good in order to make a difference in his hometown community. I truly believed together, we would make a power couple who would change the world. I could see him winning mayor or governor and myself becoming the mayor’s or the governor’s wife.

However, J.R.R.’s brilliance didn’t read very well into the bedroom.  I tried to give him guidance, but for someone so smart, he was unable to follow my helpful directions.  I even explained to J.R.R. the importance of listening to each other’s needs. Although he agreed with me, his words never amounted to action. In the end, I no longer wanted to have sexual relations with him because he could not stimulate me sexually like he did mentally.  My lack of sexual desire for him turned us both off.  And my dreams of being a power couple slowly came to a halt.  I wasn’t sad. Instead, I continued to ride the roller coaster until I couldn’t ride anymore.  Even though my brain was satisfied, the truth was that my heart belonged to someone else.

The Heart

           It has been my experience that when my heart becomes involved, my brain and my heart become enemies.  My brain gives my heart logical explanations, none of which my heart wants to hear. And even though I tried to make my brain forget about him, my heart remembered who he was. My heart never lets me forget.  He shall remain a "mystery". 

          In my eyes, what we had was beyond lust. It wasn’t shallow.  We had a great friendship where I could tell him anything. We connected. What we had meant the world to me, but apparently just me. My heart was caught up and left unprotected, which subjected me to experience both joy and pain.  Joy because whenever we spent time together, I was happy being with him.  I put down my guard, and I shared with him my highs and lows and my strengths and weaknesses.  I never masked who I was. With him, I never had too.  Too many, I appear complex and mean, but he was for the most part, always able to see through me. 

With him, I saw a great big smile, and a warm heart.  We didn’t have profound conversations, but he was smart enough to comprehend the underlying messages of all my witty jokes. I saw so much potential in him and in us.  However, my heart failed to come to grips that potential sometimes can’t suffice. Furthermore, my heart refused to accept his imperfections. Instead my heart tried to compensate his faults by only focusing on his good qualities.

We had so many highs. But with the highs, there were so many lows.  Eventually the lows were outnumbering the highs. Just when I thought we were at a great point, he would always do something to leave me in despair and disappointment.  My heart strings were pulling so hard that I couldn’t think straight.  I wanted us to work out, more than he will ever know. But in the end, we had to part ways. Me, with a broken heart! Broken heart equals me in emotional pain. In looking back, I stayed to long. I naively hoped he would realize what we had.

“People always leave…but sometimes they come back.” (Peyton Sawyer). But even though people come back, I had to realize that it does not mean the person has changed or I have changed. Leopards don’t change their spots, they only re-arrange their spots.  Sometimes failure to change can lead us back down the same upsetting road. Although it led me back into frustration, it was nothing like the first time. Because this time, I had a brainiac to provide me with great conversation and great dates.  Moreover, I had my vagina….

The Vagina

          “Mr. Clean” is the nickname I gave my frienemy. From a far, he seemed like the ideal candidate for me.  But regrettably, my wholesome Mr. Clean was whoresome.  Prior to my conclusion of his whorish tendencies, I had several business encounters with him.  He conducted himself very professional; he was very well-spoken and appeared to be bright. However, I wasn’t sure if he was down to earth or could let loose.  

So when I saw him at the club, I was initially shocked to see him. However, he showed me that he could definitely let loose.  When we danced, it was like we were having sex on the dance floor. I realized I didn’t know him but I had to have him. From our dirty dancing, I realized he understood me sexually.  I doubted that I would ever need to give him sexual instructions on how to please me.  So when he asked to come over after the club, I used my brain over my vagina, and passed up his offer.  

A few weeks after our club encounter, I was able to conclude my Mr. Clean was a whore.  Even though he was a whore, I decided to use his services to benefit my vagina.  I rationalized my vagina deserved to be treated to some good sexual maintenance to help me heal my broken heart.  So I hired him in order for my vagina to reap in some sexual gratification.

We were definitely sexually compatible!  From the moment we took our clothes off, he was able to satisfy me without me having to coach him. The sexual services he rendered made me forget my broken heart. But sometimes good sex comes with consequences like lust. Many women, including myself can mistake lust for something else. Now I wasn’t in love, but Mr. Clean did intrigue me. Although I didn’t know him completely well, Mr. Clean liked to have share time, where we would converse after sex. During our pillow talks, I managed to get some insight on the guy I was sleeping with.  But getting to know him was actually why I could never fall in love with him. We share a similar trait (which I will reveal in another blog) that can be both good or bad. With Mr. Clean, this trait is unchecked. So I know I could never give my heart to someone else with this quality.  And I don’t fault him because I think we are two peas in a pod.

Conclusion

           With these three men, I created the perfect man. I was stimulated mentally, emotionally and sexually.  From the experiences of myself and other women, I find that it is a difficult search, finding a man who can gratify my brain, my heart and my vagina.  Hell, it is a process just to find a good man, let alone the right man with whom I am actually compatible with.  It has been my experience that many well respectable and intelligent men can’t hold it down in the bedroom while men who are assholes can lay down the pipes. Sex is great, but sex will only take you so far. But at the same time, if you don’t have sparks in the bedroom, it can lead you looking elsewhere to find that spark.  So what is a woman to do? I am still figuring that out because I like to have my cake and eat it too.

          Question, if you have to choose two out of the three (the brain, the heart, and the vagina), what would the two be? Men substitute vagina with penis.

* Dedicated to my Cleo roomie, "Dude It's Me" because we are just a like. Double trouble!

Bar Exam Vent of Frustration

People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk.” ~ Stephen King

Lay people to me are people who have not taken a state or federal bar exam. I hate how lay people don’t understand the stress and the anxiety of the bar exam.  While studying for the bar exam, I was blown away with comments that made me see red.  I remember one comment distinctly, “You are smart so I know you have it in the bag!” What the fuck? Did I say I was taking an SAT test or a spelling bee quiz? No, I did not! Everyone taking the bar has some type of intelligence or they would not be taking the bar exam. Here I was competing against them.  I did not have it in the “bag”. I had to memorize darn near 22 subjects, and everything was jumbling in my head. I took practice multiple choice tests, and most of my answers were wrong. Do you know how frustrating that feels? Do you know how it feels to sit in a law school library for two months for twelve hours a day, and not feel like your test performance is improving? It breaks you down physically and mentally.

I watched my good friend burst into tears of stress. I thought to myself, how the hell do I comfort this girl when I can’t even comfort myself?  What do I tell her that will make her feel better when I do not believe things will be better? I had to force myself to reach over and hug her when I didn’t have the physical strength or the emotional compassion to actually do so. I could not give her words of encouragement because I didn’t feel encouraged. I felt like putting on my Sinclair voice from Living Single and saying, “Woo, woo, everything will be fine” was a lie.  I could not help her because I could not help myself.

I never felt so angry in my entire life. I literally felt like I was a ticking time bomb. Every day I walked to school, I secretly dared someone to accidentally shove me or bump into me. Please, give me a reason to let off steam. The prior Tae Kwon Do lessons and UFC moves that I learned were about to be unleashed onto someone.  My once smiling face was no more. I felt worse than I did when I pledged the best African American sorority in spring 2002. And for those who actually pledged, would you volunteer to do it over again?  I wouldn’t.  If I thought the bar exam was worse than pledging then you know that this exam is not something I want to repeat.  So the pressure was on for me to the do the best that I could even though I felt my best was not good enough.  

To put the cherry on the cake, the bar exam took place on my birthday. It was the worse birthday ever where I took the harshest part of the bar which was the multiple choice test. The multiple choice test could have been in Russian because I had no clue as to half the answers to the questions on the test.  After the bar exam, I felt like I was a completely different person. I was not me. I felt like a zombie. I was completely broken down from the bar exam. All I could do was question my performance day after day, everyday of my two month waiting period. The waiting game for the bar results is pure mental torture.

I do not know what I would do if it wasn’t for my fellow bar exam takers, Simone Leora and Isabella Collier (who lives on Grant Avenue). I feel like the only people who understand my bar torment are those who have undergone the bar exam.  I hear my family and friends tell me, “You can take the bar again if you don’t pass” or “So and so took the bar three times before she or he passed”. Are these the best words of wisdom or comfort? I get that if I don’t pass the bar, the world won’t come to an end, but my world will come crashing down. I understand I have my life and health, but I still won’t have a damn job. As my frienemy, Mr. Clean slyly said, “You may have graduated, but you are not a practicing lawyer.” Thus no bar exam, no practice law… comprende! Sure, you are probably thinking, but you don’t even want to practice law.   Not the point, I went through law school despite not having a passion for law.  So if I saw law school through then I want to see the bar through.  It’s a freaking recession out there in the real world.  Hence, beggars cannot be choosers.  Therefore, having a liscense to practice law ups my chances in being hired for a job, well so I hope.

I guess taking the bar and not passing is like my ex -factor, Chiron Harmer telling me that he was not ready for a relationship…heartbreaking!  Yes, failing the bar would feel like someone I love, woke up one day and randomly told me he no longer loved me back. Can you imagine the pain you would feel if the person you gave your heart to suddenly ups and leaves you? And you don’t know why they left you. The same feeling of hurt, disappointment and heartache is exactly how I would feel if I did not pass the bar.  So like all heartbreaks, I feel like I would be justified in bitching, crying and grieving because I am mourning a loss. I have to cry and deal with my personal struggle of mentally preparing myself to be mind-fucked all over again. Hell, I am justified for my pre-bitching for fear of rejection. And if I have to mourn, no words of uplift are going to bring me out of my sorrows especially not from a lay person who has no comprehension of what it feels like to be fucked over by the bar.

If someone asked me for my advice on how to handle a person who is going through the bar exam process, I would tell them be weary of what you say because us bar exam takers cannot see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Yes, we know we are smart, but the bar exam can trick us into believing we are idiots. The frustration of not being able to recall all 22 subjects or more can be frustrating and we start to panic.  Hell, I felt like I was the Titanic slowly sinking.  And when it was all said and done, I was more like Leonardo DiCaprio, drowning in the cold water. Okay, he froze to death but you get my analogy.   So like Leonardo, we need some type of life vest and warmth to keep us afloat.  We know you lay people do not get it, but simple things like listening in silence while we vent about how much is sucks is nice. Hugs, lots of hugs are great and a shoulder for us to cry on is greatly appreciated.  If you are a lover to a bar exam taker, be on call to have lots of sex.  We need lots of sex.  Sex will make us a lot nicer, and it relieves the stress.  These are just a few suggestions but are not limited.

Soon, I will know if PA has taken pity on me and admitted me to the bar. If they shun me, please know, I will be a miserable bitch in mourning. My phone will be off and my facebook disabled.  And if you are saying, don’t you think you are being dramatic, then you sit for three days or more for six hours and take a bar exam. Oh you probably won’t be, so don’t judge what is dramatic and what is not!  Because once you’ve taken the bar exam then you will know just how fucked up this test is. I am sure you are thinking, well I have taken tests before, but whatever tests you have taken, I will do it in my sleep (exception medical exams).  So unless you are in the medical field or law field, do not say that either because many bar exam takers are laughing thinking the same thing I stated above. 

I know this blog is raw. I am just venting my fears and frustrations. It feels like a dark and lonely place when there aren’t many people who can relate to you.  I feel like next Friday is D day. I toss and turn with dread and worry. I pop sleeping pills just to get to sleep. I just pray I don’t have to face three days of misery again next February.  Well please wish me luck, and pray for me because I am sure no one wants my evil alter ego, Ninibeanie Queen Meanie to rear her ugly head one more time.

Twofold Life Tragedy

Twofold Life Tragedy

George Bernard Shaw said, “There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”  After graduating college, I obtained a job as a car saleswoman. I wasn’t cut out for that particular job. However, my job as a car saleswoman made me determined to work my butt off to get into law school. Yet, my three LSAT examination scores were an abomination. My scores did not reflect my intelligence or my heart’s desire of how badly I wanted to get into law school. In order to be in the safety zone, a law applicant should at least score a 150 on the LSAT exam. I was not even close. I thought my dreams of law school did not stand a chance. But by the grace of God, I was accepted into Duquesne University Law School on a full scholarship. I had finally gained my heart’s desire.

So for three years, I endured the law school make it or break it games, to finally graduate. During my three years of law school, I questioned whether law was actually my heart’s desire.  The question was answered. Law is not my passion. Law isn’t my heart’s desire. However, I am not a quitter. So I was determined to see law school through, until the end.

Although law school was grueling, it was a comfort zone. I had a cafeteria plan to obtain food, a place that provide me with a purpose, school health insurance, great friends, and a free school gym.  The life of a school student was filled with so many luxuries that I dreaded graduation.  When asked my plans after graduation, I was stumped for words.  And if you know me then you know I am rarely at a loss for words. Now, I can no longer see myself practicing law. In losing my heart’s desire, I felt like I lost my purpose.  What I once felt like I wanted so badly, I no longer wanted.  So I dreaded graduation. I viewed it as a death. I dreaded saying goodbye to my comfort zone and my friends because I didn’t want to face the real world. Outside of my law school bubble, there would be no safety net to keep me from falling. Without law school, I didn’t have a life purpose because I haven't quite found what my heart truly desires.

Graduation day came, I received my diploma, and I was no longer a law student. I finally completed law school. My biggest achievement was my secret worst nightmare.  A blessing had occurred, but to me it was a tragedy. And I didn’t know how to let my law school life go. I still don’t. I looked at my classmates, my professors, and my friends, and reflected on my memories. Losing my heart’s desire was even more apparent when I said goodbye to as many people as I could because “where is the good in goodbye?”  And what would I do with my life now that law school is over?  All I could think about when everyone congratulated me was how much I wanted to go back in time to restart law school.  Law school, the place I bitched and cried about, and the place that gave my heart such turmoil and grief was the place my heart desired. And just like that it was over. The journey was no more.  I guess you never appreciate something until it’s gone.

 “My journey lasted three years. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all.” (Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill). Now, I am not the same person. I learned so much along the way. I can honestly say I grew up at Duquesne University School of Law.  But it wasn’t the school lessons I learned, it was the lifelong lessons. And what I valued most, was the friends I made in law school and outside of law school. The people who helped me through this tedious journey are the very same people I find it so hard to say goodbye too. Because let’s face it, as we begin new journey’s, we sometimes lose touch with the people who made a difference in our past journeys. However, no matter how I wish I could go back in time, I can’t. No matter how I try to stand still, things and people around me are changing daily. Life is going on without me. Even though I don’t want to, I must learn to accept my life must change.  “So many faces in my life, some will last, some will be now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good-byes. It's time for good-byes again.” (Billy Joel, Say Goodbye to Hollywood).

I realize in this life, you have to be careful for what you wish for because with the joy comes the sorrow and with the blessings comes the curses. Although I lost my heart’s desire to practice law, I gained my heart’s desire with valuable friendships, and memories. Most importantly, I completed law school and obtained a JD degree, two goals which at one point I didn’t think would be possible. So I guess if I made it this far, and it is up to me to continue to make it farther. Although I am leaving a big part of me behind, I know I am taking with me so much more.

 Soon I will be leaving Pittsburgh, my comfort zone and my friends.  My journey here is once again coming to an end.  Despite the fact that I am kicking and screaming on the inside, there is a great big world outside of Duquesne University School of Law that has a new journey waiting. I don’t know where this new road will lead, but I guess I just have to believe success awaits me.  So farewell, adieu, and so long old life! My overall memories of you have been great, and I shall always think of this life fondly.

*Dedicated to Demytra Brown, Christelle Seide, Jazmine Grant, Jenell Johnson, Yvelle Lazare and Mrs. Valerie Harper.

First Year, First Semester of Law School

Love is a Battlefield Not a Fairytale.

“Obsessed by a fairy tale, we spend our lives searching for a magic door and a lost kingdom of peace.” ~Eugene O'Neill


Many little girls are told fairy tales about prince charming saving the distressed princess from an evil monster. At the end of the fairy tale, the princess and her prince charming live happily ever after. As a result of fairy tales, many young girls start romanticizing about falling in love with a man who will be their very own prince charming. These impressionable girls began to think their supposed prince charming will sweep them off their feet and rescue them from danger or evil monsters. Susceptible little girls become women still holding tight to the naïve dream of living happily ever after with their prince. As a result of fairy tales, they continue to believe they will find unconditional love which will endure to the end of time and withstand adversities


I am sorry to burst the bubble about finding prince charming and living happily ever after, but it's time somebody did. Not only do we have fairy tales presenting false illusions in the minds of adolescent girls, we also have movies such as Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Romeo & Juliet, Love and Basketball, Love Jones, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Casablanca, and Pretty Woman which also encourage fictitious notions that love will conquer all, and all will be merry. Silly little rabbits! As many women grow up, they fail to realize and accept that there is no such thing as prince charmings and happy ever after. The reality is prince charming was crucified during the first century A.D. He was the last man to walk the earth that forgave all sin, cured the sick and blind, and possessed the ability to love unconditionally. Hence, women can search high and low all over the world or on global websites for prince charming, but their search is in vain.


Niccolò Machiavelli described a man’s love best, “Love endures by a bond which men, being scoundrels, may break whenever it serves their advantage to do so.” Machiavelli pronounces man as being ungrateful, fickle, deceitful, selfish, cowardly and jealous. Machiavelli further states, “Men have less scruple in offending one who is beloved than one who is feared, for love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage.” In applying Machiavelli’s opinion of man, a man whether good or bad can never amount to prince charming because he is flawed by imperfections; his love isn’t everlasting or unconditional, and he is incapable of possessing superhero power.


Even if a woman has a good man in her life, love alone does not guarantee a couple will end up happy ever after like they do in fairy tales. In actuality, love is half the battle. A relationship is more like an emotional roller coaster that can leave women feeling so high, but also leave women at a heart breaking low. Today, deception and infidelity are so common and prevalent that they suck all the happiness and joy out of relationships. Divorce rates have skyrocketed to the point that insurance companies are now providing divorce insurance to provide financial assistance to cover divorce proceedings. Thus, farewell happy ever after, and damn you for never existing!


So ladies, get your head out of the clouds and back in reality. Love is a battlefield not a fairytale. In the future, society should be careful telling little girls fairy tales because when tragedy or heartbreak strikes, these grown up women will be too busy in make believe land to see it arise. Consequently, they will end up damsels in distress realizing their fake prince charming is incapable of saving them, or worse, he is actually the villain himself.



* Dedicated to Maia Woods AKA Maia the Bee; Cidne Kaelyn Bowen AKA Lil Nini, Taylor Symone Crable, and Bella Anna Wooten

Having Sex like a Man

“Women’s hearts are in their vaginas!” My sorority sister told me. Meaning, when a female gives herself sexually, she also gives her partner her heart. Every time I am involved with a man sexually, I hear her words echo in my head. I envy men because many times men can have sex without becoming emotionally attached. Conversely, every time I have sex, I feel like I’m at risk of becoming emotionally involved. However, I once proved this theory wrong when I was sixteen.

Three days after my sweet sixteenth birthday, I lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend, Lamar Gibs. It was an unplanned, heat of the moment event. Where many women experience immense pain due to their hymen breaking, I experienced great pleasure. After my first sexual experience, I was hooked on having sex with Lamar. Although the sex was addicting and he was my first, I didn’t have an emotional connection toward him because I was shallow and vain. Even though Lamar gave me great physical pleasure, I was not physically attracted to him, and was ashamed to be seen in public with him. During my last two years of high school, I felt I was way to cool to be seen with an ugly person. Sadly I was so vain and shallow that I broke up with him right before my junior and senior proms so that I would not have to take him. If Lamar, would mention going out on a date such as dinner or movies, I would tell him lets order food in or grab a bootleg DVD in order not to have to go out in public with Lamar.

My supposed love was lust. My lust was evident to everyone but Lamar and I. I mistreated Lamar so many times, but in his eyes I could do no wrong. I kept Lamar around and said “I loved you” in order to appease him because I didn’t want to share him with anyone else. He was my penis in a glass container, and I wanted him at my beck and command whenever I snapped my fingers. In addition, I was in love with someone else. My mistreatment of Lamar was so evident that many of my high school friends began to view me as a cold hearted and egotistical female. Even the person I loved admitted he thought I would make a horrible girlfriend because I seemed incapable of loving someone more than myself.

As terrible as my behavior to Lamar was, I reflect upon my relationship with Lamar because it shows me that women can have sex and not catch feelings. I was successful in not catching feelings because in my eyes Lamar had fatal flaws, I found him repulsive and without life goals. So I could have mind blowing sex with him a million times, and not be caught up in the typical emotional rollercoaster ride women are known to ride when they have sex.

Over the years, I’ve changed from the selfish and narcissistic person I was in high school. However, my teenage sexual relationship with Lamar exemplifies that women’s hearts are not always in the vaginas. I had no emotional strings to Lamar; as a result, I believe the trick is having sex with a companion whose flaws are blatant. Your partner’s flaws must affect you in a way that causes you to feel embarrassment, annoyance, contempt or repulsiveness. Whatever feeling surfaces it must be so apparent and obvious to prevent you from giving your heart away after you engaged in sexual relations. Consequently, a woman can have an orgasm in peace without her feelings getting involved.