Twofold Life Tragedy

Twofold Life Tragedy

George Bernard Shaw said, “There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”  After graduating college, I obtained a job as a car saleswoman. I wasn’t cut out for that particular job. However, my job as a car saleswoman made me determined to work my butt off to get into law school. Yet, my three LSAT examination scores were an abomination. My scores did not reflect my intelligence or my heart’s desire of how badly I wanted to get into law school. In order to be in the safety zone, a law applicant should at least score a 150 on the LSAT exam. I was not even close. I thought my dreams of law school did not stand a chance. But by the grace of God, I was accepted into Duquesne University Law School on a full scholarship. I had finally gained my heart’s desire.

So for three years, I endured the law school make it or break it games, to finally graduate. During my three years of law school, I questioned whether law was actually my heart’s desire.  The question was answered. Law is not my passion. Law isn’t my heart’s desire. However, I am not a quitter. So I was determined to see law school through, until the end.

Although law school was grueling, it was a comfort zone. I had a cafeteria plan to obtain food, a place that provide me with a purpose, school health insurance, great friends, and a free school gym.  The life of a school student was filled with so many luxuries that I dreaded graduation.  When asked my plans after graduation, I was stumped for words.  And if you know me then you know I am rarely at a loss for words. Now, I can no longer see myself practicing law. In losing my heart’s desire, I felt like I lost my purpose.  What I once felt like I wanted so badly, I no longer wanted.  So I dreaded graduation. I viewed it as a death. I dreaded saying goodbye to my comfort zone and my friends because I didn’t want to face the real world. Outside of my law school bubble, there would be no safety net to keep me from falling. Without law school, I didn’t have a life purpose because I haven't quite found what my heart truly desires.

Graduation day came, I received my diploma, and I was no longer a law student. I finally completed law school. My biggest achievement was my secret worst nightmare.  A blessing had occurred, but to me it was a tragedy. And I didn’t know how to let my law school life go. I still don’t. I looked at my classmates, my professors, and my friends, and reflected on my memories. Losing my heart’s desire was even more apparent when I said goodbye to as many people as I could because “where is the good in goodbye?”  And what would I do with my life now that law school is over?  All I could think about when everyone congratulated me was how much I wanted to go back in time to restart law school.  Law school, the place I bitched and cried about, and the place that gave my heart such turmoil and grief was the place my heart desired. And just like that it was over. The journey was no more.  I guess you never appreciate something until it’s gone.

 “My journey lasted three years. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all.” (Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill). Now, I am not the same person. I learned so much along the way. I can honestly say I grew up at Duquesne University School of Law.  But it wasn’t the school lessons I learned, it was the lifelong lessons. And what I valued most, was the friends I made in law school and outside of law school. The people who helped me through this tedious journey are the very same people I find it so hard to say goodbye too. Because let’s face it, as we begin new journey’s, we sometimes lose touch with the people who made a difference in our past journeys. However, no matter how I wish I could go back in time, I can’t. No matter how I try to stand still, things and people around me are changing daily. Life is going on without me. Even though I don’t want to, I must learn to accept my life must change.  “So many faces in my life, some will last, some will be now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good-byes. It's time for good-byes again.” (Billy Joel, Say Goodbye to Hollywood).

I realize in this life, you have to be careful for what you wish for because with the joy comes the sorrow and with the blessings comes the curses. Although I lost my heart’s desire to practice law, I gained my heart’s desire with valuable friendships, and memories. Most importantly, I completed law school and obtained a JD degree, two goals which at one point I didn’t think would be possible. So I guess if I made it this far, and it is up to me to continue to make it farther. Although I am leaving a big part of me behind, I know I am taking with me so much more.

 Soon I will be leaving Pittsburgh, my comfort zone and my friends.  My journey here is once again coming to an end.  Despite the fact that I am kicking and screaming on the inside, there is a great big world outside of Duquesne University School of Law that has a new journey waiting. I don’t know where this new road will lead, but I guess I just have to believe success awaits me.  So farewell, adieu, and so long old life! My overall memories of you have been great, and I shall always think of this life fondly.

*Dedicated to Demytra Brown, Christelle Seide, Jazmine Grant, Jenell Johnson, Yvelle Lazare and Mrs. Valerie Harper.

First Year, First Semester of Law School

Love is a Battlefield Not a Fairytale.

“Obsessed by a fairy tale, we spend our lives searching for a magic door and a lost kingdom of peace.” ~Eugene O'Neill


Many little girls are told fairy tales about prince charming saving the distressed princess from an evil monster. At the end of the fairy tale, the princess and her prince charming live happily ever after. As a result of fairy tales, many young girls start romanticizing about falling in love with a man who will be their very own prince charming. These impressionable girls began to think their supposed prince charming will sweep them off their feet and rescue them from danger or evil monsters. Susceptible little girls become women still holding tight to the naïve dream of living happily ever after with their prince. As a result of fairy tales, they continue to believe they will find unconditional love which will endure to the end of time and withstand adversities


I am sorry to burst the bubble about finding prince charming and living happily ever after, but it's time somebody did. Not only do we have fairy tales presenting false illusions in the minds of adolescent girls, we also have movies such as Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Romeo & Juliet, Love and Basketball, Love Jones, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Casablanca, and Pretty Woman which also encourage fictitious notions that love will conquer all, and all will be merry. Silly little rabbits! As many women grow up, they fail to realize and accept that there is no such thing as prince charmings and happy ever after. The reality is prince charming was crucified during the first century A.D. He was the last man to walk the earth that forgave all sin, cured the sick and blind, and possessed the ability to love unconditionally. Hence, women can search high and low all over the world or on global websites for prince charming, but their search is in vain.


Niccolò Machiavelli described a man’s love best, “Love endures by a bond which men, being scoundrels, may break whenever it serves their advantage to do so.” Machiavelli pronounces man as being ungrateful, fickle, deceitful, selfish, cowardly and jealous. Machiavelli further states, “Men have less scruple in offending one who is beloved than one who is feared, for love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage.” In applying Machiavelli’s opinion of man, a man whether good or bad can never amount to prince charming because he is flawed by imperfections; his love isn’t everlasting or unconditional, and he is incapable of possessing superhero power.


Even if a woman has a good man in her life, love alone does not guarantee a couple will end up happy ever after like they do in fairy tales. In actuality, love is half the battle. A relationship is more like an emotional roller coaster that can leave women feeling so high, but also leave women at a heart breaking low. Today, deception and infidelity are so common and prevalent that they suck all the happiness and joy out of relationships. Divorce rates have skyrocketed to the point that insurance companies are now providing divorce insurance to provide financial assistance to cover divorce proceedings. Thus, farewell happy ever after, and damn you for never existing!


So ladies, get your head out of the clouds and back in reality. Love is a battlefield not a fairytale. In the future, society should be careful telling little girls fairy tales because when tragedy or heartbreak strikes, these grown up women will be too busy in make believe land to see it arise. Consequently, they will end up damsels in distress realizing their fake prince charming is incapable of saving them, or worse, he is actually the villain himself.



* Dedicated to Maia Woods AKA Maia the Bee; Cidne Kaelyn Bowen AKA Lil Nini, Taylor Symone Crable, and Bella Anna Wooten

Having Sex like a Man

“Women’s hearts are in their vaginas!” My sorority sister told me. Meaning, when a female gives herself sexually, she also gives her partner her heart. Every time I am involved with a man sexually, I hear her words echo in my head. I envy men because many times men can have sex without becoming emotionally attached. Conversely, every time I have sex, I feel like I’m at risk of becoming emotionally involved. However, I once proved this theory wrong when I was sixteen.

Three days after my sweet sixteenth birthday, I lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend, Lamar Gibs. It was an unplanned, heat of the moment event. Where many women experience immense pain due to their hymen breaking, I experienced great pleasure. After my first sexual experience, I was hooked on having sex with Lamar. Although the sex was addicting and he was my first, I didn’t have an emotional connection toward him because I was shallow and vain. Even though Lamar gave me great physical pleasure, I was not physically attracted to him, and was ashamed to be seen in public with him. During my last two years of high school, I felt I was way to cool to be seen with an ugly person. Sadly I was so vain and shallow that I broke up with him right before my junior and senior proms so that I would not have to take him. If Lamar, would mention going out on a date such as dinner or movies, I would tell him lets order food in or grab a bootleg DVD in order not to have to go out in public with Lamar.

My supposed love was lust. My lust was evident to everyone but Lamar and I. I mistreated Lamar so many times, but in his eyes I could do no wrong. I kept Lamar around and said “I loved you” in order to appease him because I didn’t want to share him with anyone else. He was my penis in a glass container, and I wanted him at my beck and command whenever I snapped my fingers. In addition, I was in love with someone else. My mistreatment of Lamar was so evident that many of my high school friends began to view me as a cold hearted and egotistical female. Even the person I loved admitted he thought I would make a horrible girlfriend because I seemed incapable of loving someone more than myself.

As terrible as my behavior to Lamar was, I reflect upon my relationship with Lamar because it shows me that women can have sex and not catch feelings. I was successful in not catching feelings because in my eyes Lamar had fatal flaws, I found him repulsive and without life goals. So I could have mind blowing sex with him a million times, and not be caught up in the typical emotional rollercoaster ride women are known to ride when they have sex.

Over the years, I’ve changed from the selfish and narcissistic person I was in high school. However, my teenage sexual relationship with Lamar exemplifies that women’s hearts are not always in the vaginas. I had no emotional strings to Lamar; as a result, I believe the trick is having sex with a companion whose flaws are blatant. Your partner’s flaws must affect you in a way that causes you to feel embarrassment, annoyance, contempt or repulsiveness. Whatever feeling surfaces it must be so apparent and obvious to prevent you from giving your heart away after you engaged in sexual relations. Consequently, a woman can have an orgasm in peace without her feelings getting involved.