Twofold Life Tragedy

Twofold Life Tragedy

George Bernard Shaw said, “There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”  After graduating college, I obtained a job as a car saleswoman. I wasn’t cut out for that particular job. However, my job as a car saleswoman made me determined to work my butt off to get into law school. Yet, my three LSAT examination scores were an abomination. My scores did not reflect my intelligence or my heart’s desire of how badly I wanted to get into law school. In order to be in the safety zone, a law applicant should at least score a 150 on the LSAT exam. I was not even close. I thought my dreams of law school did not stand a chance. But by the grace of God, I was accepted into Duquesne University Law School on a full scholarship. I had finally gained my heart’s desire.

So for three years, I endured the law school make it or break it games, to finally graduate. During my three years of law school, I questioned whether law was actually my heart’s desire.  The question was answered. Law is not my passion. Law isn’t my heart’s desire. However, I am not a quitter. So I was determined to see law school through, until the end.

Although law school was grueling, it was a comfort zone. I had a cafeteria plan to obtain food, a place that provide me with a purpose, school health insurance, great friends, and a free school gym.  The life of a school student was filled with so many luxuries that I dreaded graduation.  When asked my plans after graduation, I was stumped for words.  And if you know me then you know I am rarely at a loss for words. Now, I can no longer see myself practicing law. In losing my heart’s desire, I felt like I lost my purpose.  What I once felt like I wanted so badly, I no longer wanted.  So I dreaded graduation. I viewed it as a death. I dreaded saying goodbye to my comfort zone and my friends because I didn’t want to face the real world. Outside of my law school bubble, there would be no safety net to keep me from falling. Without law school, I didn’t have a life purpose because I haven't quite found what my heart truly desires.

Graduation day came, I received my diploma, and I was no longer a law student. I finally completed law school. My biggest achievement was my secret worst nightmare.  A blessing had occurred, but to me it was a tragedy. And I didn’t know how to let my law school life go. I still don’t. I looked at my classmates, my professors, and my friends, and reflected on my memories. Losing my heart’s desire was even more apparent when I said goodbye to as many people as I could because “where is the good in goodbye?”  And what would I do with my life now that law school is over?  All I could think about when everyone congratulated me was how much I wanted to go back in time to restart law school.  Law school, the place I bitched and cried about, and the place that gave my heart such turmoil and grief was the place my heart desired. And just like that it was over. The journey was no more.  I guess you never appreciate something until it’s gone.

 “My journey lasted three years. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all.” (Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill). Now, I am not the same person. I learned so much along the way. I can honestly say I grew up at Duquesne University School of Law.  But it wasn’t the school lessons I learned, it was the lifelong lessons. And what I valued most, was the friends I made in law school and outside of law school. The people who helped me through this tedious journey are the very same people I find it so hard to say goodbye too. Because let’s face it, as we begin new journey’s, we sometimes lose touch with the people who made a difference in our past journeys. However, no matter how I wish I could go back in time, I can’t. No matter how I try to stand still, things and people around me are changing daily. Life is going on without me. Even though I don’t want to, I must learn to accept my life must change.  “So many faces in my life, some will last, some will be now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good-byes. It's time for good-byes again.” (Billy Joel, Say Goodbye to Hollywood).

I realize in this life, you have to be careful for what you wish for because with the joy comes the sorrow and with the blessings comes the curses. Although I lost my heart’s desire to practice law, I gained my heart’s desire with valuable friendships, and memories. Most importantly, I completed law school and obtained a JD degree, two goals which at one point I didn’t think would be possible. So I guess if I made it this far, and it is up to me to continue to make it farther. Although I am leaving a big part of me behind, I know I am taking with me so much more.

 Soon I will be leaving Pittsburgh, my comfort zone and my friends.  My journey here is once again coming to an end.  Despite the fact that I am kicking and screaming on the inside, there is a great big world outside of Duquesne University School of Law that has a new journey waiting. I don’t know where this new road will lead, but I guess I just have to believe success awaits me.  So farewell, adieu, and so long old life! My overall memories of you have been great, and I shall always think of this life fondly.

*Dedicated to Demytra Brown, Christelle Seide, Jazmine Grant, Jenell Johnson, Yvelle Lazare and Mrs. Valerie Harper.

First Year, First Semester of Law School