People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk.” ~ Stephen King
Lay people to me are people who have not taken a state or federal bar exam. I hate how lay people don’t understand the stress and the anxiety of the bar exam. While studying for the bar exam, I was blown away with comments that made me see red. I remember one comment distinctly, “You are smart so I know you have it in the bag!” What the fuck? Did I say I was taking an SAT test or a spelling bee quiz? No, I did not! Everyone taking the bar has some type of intelligence or they would not be taking the bar exam. Here I was competing against them. I did not have it in the “bag”. I had to memorize darn near 22 subjects, and everything was jumbling in my head. I took practice multiple choice tests, and most of my answers were wrong. Do you know how frustrating that feels? Do you know how it feels to sit in a law school library for two months for twelve hours a day, and not feel like your test performance is improving? It breaks you down physically and mentally.
I watched my good friend burst into tears of stress. I thought to myself, how the hell do I comfort this girl when I can’t even comfort myself? What do I tell her that will make her feel better when I do not believe things will be better? I had to force myself to reach over and hug her when I didn’t have the physical strength or the emotional compassion to actually do so. I could not give her words of encouragement because I didn’t feel encouraged. I felt like putting on my Sinclair voice from Living Single and saying, “Woo, woo, everything will be fine” was a lie. I could not help her because I could not help myself.
I never felt so angry in my entire life. I literally felt like I was a ticking time bomb. Every day I walked to school, I secretly dared someone to accidentally shove me or bump into me. Please, give me a reason to let off steam. The prior Tae Kwon Do lessons and UFC moves that I learned were about to be unleashed onto someone. My once smiling face was no more. I felt worse than I did when I pledged the best African American sorority in spring 2002. And for those who actually pledged, would you volunteer to do it over again? I wouldn’t. If I thought the bar exam was worse than pledging then you know that this exam is not something I want to repeat. So the pressure was on for me to the do the best that I could even though I felt my best was not good enough.
To put the cherry on the cake, the bar exam took place on my birthday. It was the worse birthday ever where I took the harshest part of the bar which was the multiple choice test. The multiple choice test could have been in Russian because I had no clue as to half the answers to the questions on the test. After the bar exam, I felt like I was a completely different person. I was not me. I felt like a zombie. I was completely broken down from the bar exam. All I could do was question my performance day after day, everyday of my two month waiting period. The waiting game for the bar results is pure mental torture.
I do not know what I would do if it wasn’t for my fellow bar exam takers, Simone Leora and Isabella Collier (who lives on Grant Avenue). I feel like the only people who understand my bar torment are those who have undergone the bar exam. I hear my family and friends tell me, “You can take the bar again if you don’t pass” or “So and so took the bar three times before she or he passed”. Are these the best words of wisdom or comfort? I get that if I don’t pass the bar, the world won’t come to an end, but my world will come crashing down. I understand I have my life and health, but I still won’t have a damn job. As my frienemy, Mr. Clean slyly said, “You may have graduated, but you are not a practicing lawyer.” Thus no bar exam, no practice law… comprende! Sure, you are probably thinking, but you don’t even want to practice law. Not the point, I went through law school despite not having a passion for law. So if I saw law school through then I want to see the bar through. It’s a freaking recession out there in the real world. Hence, beggars cannot be choosers. Therefore, having a liscense to practice law ups my chances in being hired for a job, well so I hope.
I guess taking the bar and not passing is like my ex -factor, Chiron Harmer telling me that he was not ready for a relationship…heartbreaking! Yes, failing the bar would feel like someone I love, woke up one day and randomly told me he no longer loved me back. Can you imagine the pain you would feel if the person you gave your heart to suddenly ups and leaves you? And you don’t know why they left you. The same feeling of hurt, disappointment and heartache is exactly how I would feel if I did not pass the bar. So like all heartbreaks, I feel like I would be justified in bitching, crying and grieving because I am mourning a loss. I have to cry and deal with my personal struggle of mentally preparing myself to be mind-fucked all over again. Hell, I am justified for my pre-bitching for fear of rejection. And if I have to mourn, no words of uplift are going to bring me out of my sorrows especially not from a lay person who has no comprehension of what it feels like to be fucked over by the bar.
If someone asked me for my advice on how to handle a person who is going through the bar exam process, I would tell them be weary of what you say because us bar exam takers cannot see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yes, we know we are smart, but the bar exam can trick us into believing we are idiots. The frustration of not being able to recall all 22 subjects or more can be frustrating and we start to panic. Hell, I felt like I was the Titanic slowly sinking. And when it was all said and done, I was more like Leonardo DiCaprio, drowning in the cold water. Okay, he froze to death but you get my analogy. So like Leonardo, we need some type of life vest and warmth to keep us afloat. We know you lay people do not get it, but simple things like listening in silence while we vent about how much is sucks is nice. Hugs, lots of hugs are great and a shoulder for us to cry on is greatly appreciated. If you are a lover to a bar exam taker, be on call to have lots of sex. We need lots of sex. Sex will make us a lot nicer, and it relieves the stress. These are just a few suggestions but are not limited.
Soon, I will know if PA has taken pity on me and admitted me to the bar. If they shun me, please know, I will be a miserable bitch in mourning. My phone will be off and my facebook disabled. And if you are saying, don’t you think you are being dramatic, then you sit for three days or more for six hours and take a bar exam. Oh you probably won’t be, so don’t judge what is dramatic and what is not! Because once you’ve taken the bar exam then you will know just how fucked up this test is. I am sure you are thinking, well I have taken tests before, but whatever tests you have taken, I will do it in my sleep (exception medical exams). So unless you are in the medical field or law field, do not say that either because many bar exam takers are laughing thinking the same thing I stated above.
I know this blog is raw. I am just venting my fears and frustrations. It feels like a dark and lonely place when there aren’t many people who can relate to you. I feel like next Friday is D day. I toss and turn with dread and worry. I pop sleeping pills just to get to sleep. I just pray I don’t have to face three days of misery again next February. Well please wish me luck, and pray for me because I am sure no one wants my evil alter ego, Ninibeanie Queen Meanie to rear her ugly head one more time.
A message from us “Lay People”
ReplyDeleteWe want to apologize from the bottoms of our hearts for the way we made you all feel. Yes, we have not taken the state or federal bar be exam and some of us cannot relate to how law students may feel but we do try our hardest to be positive and supportive of our friends who have embarked on this path towards a legal education.
No, we have not taken the state or federal bar exam, but we were the one who made ourselves available when they wanted to share with us their thoughts about going to law school. Just the thought of looking into law school and possibly getting into the CLEO program was very nerve racking but we stayed by their side with the same positive and supportive attitude.
No, we have not taken the state or federal bar but we were the same people that were present when anxiety tried to get the best of them when they were studying for the LSAT. Yes, we listened and did random check ups while they studied countless hours and days for the “craziest” exam they have ever faced at that moment of their lives but with the same positive and supportive attitude, we encouraged them until their dream of becoming a “1L” became a reality.
No we did not take the state of federal bar but we were the ones that understood, as a result of this new experience, that there would now be limitations and strains on our friendship.
We were the ones who looked forward to breaks, weekends, and holidays to see our official law student friends come home to spend time. We even embraced all the new friends they made in law school and in other conferences with no hesitation. Let us not forget the countless social outlets, drinks, food, and sushi we helped provide to them because we understood they were “Broke Law Students.” Deep down inside, it had nothing to do with them being “broke…” but had everything to do with believing and supporting their investment in themselves and their CHOICE to complete this path towards a legal education.
No we did not take the State of Federal bar and neither do we plan to do such a thing but if being positive and supportive for the people we love in law school is wrong, then WE ARE ALL COMPLETELY GUILTY both civilly and criminally.
For the record, I do not know what it means to sit in the library for long hours and days studying and memorizing numerous subjects for the State and/or Federal bar exam but I do know what it feels like to sit at home unemployed for 7 months because I could not land a job. Despite not being able to collect unemployment and having to live off of high interest rate credit cards, I never stopped being the positive and supportive friend for those who were trying to complete their dream of fulfilling their requirements for their legal education. I’m sorry my positively and support now puts me in the “Hate” category.
Thank you for listening and on behalf of all “Lay People,” we apologize from the bottom of our hearts.
People love you, then hate you, then love you again. How about love me forever ~Reality Check
Mr., wow have we met before because it seems like you once knew me (smile). Anyways, I am glad you commented on my blog. You made great points. No, I am not being facetious.
ReplyDeleteMy blog was mainly directed to my situation with the bar. But I see you may have experienced me prior to the bar since you make reference to my past. Anyway, the bar results are due back shortly, and the anxiety I feel is overwhelming. Yes, it is more overwhelming then the LSATS. However, when I go to communicate it to “lay people”, it irks me to hear words like, “you can take it over again” and “I know someone who took it and failed three times” I know they are just showing encouragement and support but these words do not comfort me. What I am saying is right now my biggest fear is taking the bar over again. I cannot fathom how I am going to do such if that were to occur.
For me, the studying for the bar was worse than studying for the LSAT test. Seems to me you knew me when I studied for the LSATS, and if you saw my struggle then know this… my struggle with bar was way worse than the LSAT or my “1L” year of law school. It was two months of craziness that was ten times worse than three years of law school because it required cramming three years of law school into two months.
I read this blog to my mom because she is partly the reason I wrote the blog. Anyway, she overlooked the rawness and harshness of the blog. She said despite my lack of tact, she understood what I was saying. Recently, she started a new teaching position which has really stressed her out. She said she came home and burst into tears one day. My dad went to console her by giving her words of encouragement. She flipped on him. She said, “I don’t need your words, I need your support.” She apologized for any statements she may have said to me that might be offensive to me in my time of need. My mom said she would just listen, and be the shoulder I needed to cry on. I appreciated what she said, and that’s the best support I could have asked for.
Bottom line is that our good intentions of trying to be supportive and encouraging may not be the kind of support and encouragement that the other person needs. Maybe we have to keep in mind that although we are there by their sides in their journey, there will be a point where they must walk alone. Because sometimes when you aren’t undergoing it, you don’t have enough understanding to make an opinion let alone a suggestion. For example, I give my friend helpful advice how to raise her child when I have never raised a child and have no children of my own. So support that “was from the bottom of our hearts” could be us actually causing more grief onto an already stressful situation.
In conclusion, I appreciate those who took the time to walk with me during any journey. I know you didn’t have to walk with me. But sometimes even when I had others walking with me, I still felt alone. Because ultimately, I am the one who has to face these demons alone.
“The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about”
PS. Apology accepted from the bottom of my heart.
xoxoxo
You are absolutely right. Most of us do not know what you are going through. Sincerely, I want to apologize on behalf of those who have made you feel this way.
ReplyDeleteWhat I was simply trying say earlier, was you can't expect people to understand what you are going through. Neither can you expect them to have the right things to say (or say nothing at all). Expectations sometimes lead to disappointment.
You said " I give my friend helpful advice how to raise her child when I have never raised a child and have no children of my own." I'm so happy you see where we are coming from when you are trying to be "helpful" but your word actually cause more "grief". Let's see if she writes a blog expressing her experience with no-child people giving "helpful advice"
Personally, I think you need to work on becoming a better communicator. There is nothing wrong with expressing to your friends that you just want to vent/express yourself without any of their input, especially their “Words of encouragement.” Not all of us have read the manual on how understand the mind of someone taking the state and federal bar exam.
Excellent point about your mom. At least she told your dad that she needed him to listen (after the fact). Also it's unfair to expect us to understand you like your mother. She has been there your entire life and knows you like no one else.
Remember it's human nature to want to console someone you love. While you have every reason to call our statements dumb and stupid (not saying you have) I do not think you can question our desire to see you succeed.
Please, work on the way you communicate and explain to us “Lay People” that you just want us to be quiet and listen. We have absolutely no problem with doing that.
Maybe this will never be resolved but when you can't change people, you have to start thinking about changing yourself.
"Lawyers love you before school, hate you during the bar and want your money when practicing" - Reality Check
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
ReplyDeleteMy friend or whatever you are to me, have you looked up the definition of communication? If not, one definition of communication is to “convey meaning in an attempt to create a shared understanding.” Another definition of communication is the “imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.” Based on these definitions which are not limited, I attempted to share in my blog, my frustration and anger. I enclosed my thoughts and opinions just like you did in your responses. In my thoughts, I also imparted my suggestions on how to deal with a person undergoing the bar process in hopes of creating a shared understanding. As you see in the definition, communication can be by speech, signs or writing.
Mr., you stated your sincere apology from the bottom of your little heart on how you made me feel, did you not? Although it sucks that you don’t get it and you still don’t get it, it is exactly why I wrote my manual of frustration from the mind of a state bar exam taker. Hence, it is why I included analogies of how I felt in order to establish an understanding. Via example, failing the bar is like someone I love not loving me back. Or studying for the bar is like pledging, not something many would want to re-do over again; similar to how I do not want to re-do the bar. These analogies and examples were to help those reading my blog relate to my frustrations and fears.
Although my mom knows me best, she falls into the lay person category too. So she is guilty from the bottom of her heart, for the way she made me feel too. Yes, she is close to me and gave birth to me, but that doesn’t mean she automatically understands me or what I am going through. Like other lay people, she said all the wrong things. So I guess if she didn’t get it then I really should have known you other lay people weren’t going to get it, right (smile)? However, I communicated to her through my blog on how I felt, and through my blog she finally got a clue. When she communicated her thoughts to my dad, she like me, said it in an irritated manner. Sometimes when we convey things, our expressions of our thoughts include the way we feel at the time. But since you wrote a wannabee manual on communication, I guess you already knew that. As a result, my blog reflects my agitation.
To further communicate my point I used my mother as example where I provided consolation as a suggested technique instead of “words of encouragement.” But I wasn’t limiting it to consolation. Please re-read my manual to see the other suggestions which are not limited by the way.
In addition, I raise my hands because I am guilty of trying to give “words of encouragement” when maybe that is not what the other person needed. That would be why I included myself into the equation in my last response to your post. Please see paragraph beginning with bottom line. See how I used pronouns that included “we”, “us” and “our”. However, when I stated I gave “helpful advice” to a friend with a child, I was trying to be humane by using myself as an example. But here is where you are right about my miscommunication. I forgot to say hypothetically speaking because the example that I gave is false. So unfortunately, my friend won’t need to write a manual on “helpful advice” on raising a child. I hope that doesn’t disappoint you.
However, I will work on better communicating myself to you, lay people or maybe you in particularly. I realize sometimes what I say can clearly go over one’s head. I apologize for that from the bottom of my heart for that. Like I said, I know my blog was raw, hence the title. But you can call this blog an expression of speech which is by the way is a form of communication.
“When you come at me, you best not miss” ~Reality Check
xoxoxo
HA!
ReplyDeleteGood post. Very thought provoking I see.
I read your post, and I think of the other people who took the bar.
I think there is a difference between "people who took the bar" and "person who took the bar", namely you (since you wrote this post).
Does anyone want to think about re-taking the bar? No. Will they do it if they have to and they want to take a job? Yes, even if it takes a little while to get over that initial disappointment. One of my home girl only told a select few people in case she didn't pass (she did, by the way).
Some people like to have positive reinforcements of their talents, like my man Mr. said. Some people just like silence, hugs, or sex, like you said. It depends on the person. When I took my licensure exam, I just claimed a pass. Was I worried about what I was gone do if I failed. Yes, but failure wasn't an option for me.
Why do I tell that story? I scraped together money, was NOT making ends meet, took the exam that EVERYTHING was riding on...and didn't stress the way you did. Stress is a function of personality.
I would say Good Luck or "there's always next time if you don't get it THIS time"...but you already said that's not the way...
-e-hugs- LOL!